DIY: Arse Extension

I have recently been asked if I have fake boobs, hair extensions and this just in – lash extensions.

Now, I think it’s great that we have all of these enhancing procedures to purchase at will, but they are making me look fake! My lashes are God-given, I’m superstitious about cutting my hair*, except at the full moon to help it grow longer, and my milkshakes have been bringing all the boys to my yard since I hit puberty.

And might I point out that no-one, not a single person, has asked about my arse extension**. Seems it’s believably natural…

* No I’m not – I get regular trims. But I do actually know someone who is! She swears by a miniscule snip at the very tip of the longest part of your hair when you flip your head over. Must be performed only at the full moon.

**Aka butt implants, but doesn’t ‘arse extension’ have a nice ring to it? Oh, and it turns out you don’t need an actual surgical procedure to plump up your butt. A strict regimen of taking a desk job, a diet of shortbread and milkshakes during pregnancy and the natural transition from early to late twenties will achieve the same result. Hazzahhhhh!***

*** Angry hazzah.

Author: Sally T